Oct 112009
 

So I am seriously considering going back to school. I have taken a couple of quick looks on USF and St Pete College and there are classes at both schools I want to take. I don’t think that they both offer both so I am now having to figure things out. I think I am going to visit both schools to get a better idea of it all. I want to do something in IT either networking or network security for a major and minor in anthropology especially focusing on Native American culture and religion studies. Both interest me a lot. I know the IT stuff is going to advance my career, but the other will advance my personal knowledge. Maybe the second one will be a carrer change for me.

Lately I have been feeling sad, depressed, angry, worthless, unwanted, unappreciated, and the like. Expecially when related with work. I am feeling like it is time for a change, but yet I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know if I can make the same amount of money with the skill set that I have. I don’t know what to do other than go back to school and suck it up until it is finished or move on somewhere else in the company. I just don’t know anymore.

  
Mood : happydepressed
Tv : Iron Chef
 Posted by at 9:32 pm
Jul 122009
 

It has been over a week since my last confession.

This last couple of weeks has gone by very fast. I can’t believe it is 10 days since I came back from Oklahoma. I had a good 4th of July. I went down to Carols again and watched fireworks off of the dock. It was pretty cool. I took pictures. I need to get them all uploaded.

I am back in the grind of things. My very first call when I got back to work was someone calling me a motherfucker and a stupid idiot and stuff like that. It was a definite snap back to reality and why I love this job soooo much. Makes me wish I stayed in Oklahoma and that I need to further my education so I have more skills than a simple pc tech and customer service. Every day, every call where the customer is a complete asshole it makes me hate my job even more and makes me want to get out of the horrible vile business of customer service. I don’t mind working for the company so much. If I could get a skill set that got me off the phones and somewhere else I would be happy, but dealing with people who demand and insult you and yell at you really eats at you and causes stress that I am getting beyond wanting to deal with anymore.

When I was in Oklahoma I thought about it. I think I want to go to school for web design, and then try to start something up building web pages and stuff, that way I can do it from anywhere. I wanted to go back to Oklahoma and do web page design on the farm and still be there to help dad with the farm and grandma and stuff. He does so much, his kids live out of state, and his brother is an asshole that doesn’t do shit. He hasn’t been down to the farm or called or anything in years. I don’t think he even knows how bad grandma is. Anyway, I don’t have much room to talk really.

I do know that my vacation was way too short, and that I need to get off my ass and do something for myself for my future. I am getting too old too fast.

Current Music: Split: A Divided America
  
 Posted by at 10:06 pm
Mar 212009
 

I haven’t felt much like writing lately even though I should. There has been a lot on my mind and shit has been happening and I have been really depressed and worried all at the same time. I have been pissed at my cell company first of all because they decided to do a second check for the payment even though I told them I would be paying cash at a tmobile store several times. The account representative didn’t tell me that a second check will be processed at any time. So now my savings account hates me and sent me a nasty letter today because it didn’t clear. It is one thing to have my phone company hate me, but I don’t need to get into my bank hating me and charging me money I don’t have. It isn’t going to be long until my phone goes away, and I don’t really need it to right about now either.

I hope I will be able to pay my car payments. It is another $150 a month (or at least that is what I am going to pay to try to get it done early).

I don’t like what has been happening at work lately. I feel like they are trying to get rid of me. I don’t feel like there is any support system or opportunity to grow at all there any more. I haven’t felt that they want me to grow within the company for a long time now, but the feeling has been stronger than ever lately. There was an incident lately where I called one of the transgender he instead of she accidentally (and this one I didn’t even know) and she went to someone to ask what to do about it, and it blew up and I was in the directors office and given the riot act and basically told that it isn’t over and going to get to the bottom of this blah blah, so that really has me in a panic now. I am feeling like that this is it. That was the last straw for them. I don’t even remember calling her a he and it was purely accidental if that was the case and now I am fucked because of it. Oh and on top of it I thought the director was talking about the other one, and I didn’t figure that out until after the meeting. And the one she was talking about I didn’t even realize was one. I am not good with names and I don’t think I have even seen the one she was talking about and if I did I didn’t even know was one. So I was sitting in the office like a fuck talking about the conversations I had with the one I knew was one and so when the director gets done with her investigations I am going to look like a fuck and get fired for sure.

The big thing is that this that I am for equal rights for all and my family has basically disowned me for things I said about the Mormon Church with their anti equal rights bullshit in Ca. This thing is hurting and cutting me deep that I said something that offended her enough to be in the director’s office. I might get fired for this. It is bullshit.

So I am in the process of updating my resume, got myself back up on Monster and Dice and started looking to see what is out there so I am ready to do this. I saw some things that look promising. The problem is that everyone and their mother is looking right now so who knows how long I will be unemployed if at all. I am almost at the point now of just looking for a job and getting something different. This job doesn’t inspire me anymore. I don’t wake up and look forward to going to work anymore. The bullshit is getting to me, making me depressed and stressed and giving me massive headaches. It is time for me to leave I think. It is pretty sad to think about that prospect. I used to love it here. I didn’t see me going anywhere else. I saw me moving up or out within the company.

I feel the stress. I am physically ill. I feel my reflux kicking in, and my body aches. Fuck this shit.
[audio: TooFarDown.mp3]
I’m down again
And I don’t know how to tell you
But maybe this time I can’t come back
Because I might be too far down

I wish for real
That I could turn it on and off
Like hot and cold and up and down
Because I’m down again

I’m too far down
I couldn’t begin to smile
Because I can’t even laugh or cry
Because I just can’t do it

If it was so easy to be happy
Why am I so down?
All I can do is sit and wonder if it’s going to end
Or if I should just go away forever

When I sit and think
I wish that I just could die
Or let someone else be happy
By setting my own self free

And you don’t want the emotion
Because the taste it leaves is for real
But nothing’s ever real until it’s gone
And I might be too far down

And is this just another thrown away
Or is this the end of the whole stupid road
But you wouldn’t want to know how I feel anyway
Because the darkest hole is at the end of the road

I’m down again
And I guess I’m not the only one who dreams
That there’s not any way to tell you
Because I might be too far down

  
Mood : happydepressed
Music : Riot Grrrl music on Pandora
 Posted by at 12:45 am
Mar 072009
 

So I got another fancy smancy idea in my head the other day and now I am the proud owner of another domain. I am in the process of putting it t0gether and will let you know when I have it all ready for the world so to speak.

I am now getting myself on the path to move. Daddy agreed to help, I am cutting my 401k to save money and I am going to be working on reducing my shit.

I have also been playing that call of duty 4 game too. It is pretty fun. I am not that far into it and not doing too good because i suck at doing the whole walk one way and look another way thing you have to do with both thumbs.

  
Mood : happyawake
Music : Pandora
Tv : CNN
 Posted by at 1:32 am
Mar 042009
 

I am contemplating reducing my 401k contribution by 4-5%. I am just barely scraping by right now and there is a chance I may be going down to a lower shift dif with the way the schedules are going to be. I am going to have to look at my current contribution and see what it is going to be with the reduction and then add in the tax percentage with the increased income and see if it is really going to make that much of a difference either way.

I also want to move. I really want to move away from the hell hole i have been living in the last 7 years. Lease is up in three months. I need to downgrade my garbage more and start saving up money for the down payment and moving expenses of where ever I am moving to. Maybe if i cut the 401k all together until i was done and moved and then put it back on after? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I am going to have to look at how that is going to affect things.

I just sent an email asking my dad for help too. Hopefully he will be able to. I need to start downsizing now. Start throwing stuff and clothes away I never wear that I can part with. Like clothes that don’t fit me anymore and I will never be able to because I will never lose the weight because I am too lazy.

  
Mood : happygrumpy
Music : Pandora
 Posted by at 12:26 am
Jan 262009
 

I installed Windows 7 beta today. So far it is running pretty good. No issues getting any drivers working or anything. Looking at Device Manager it looks like it just took the Vista drivers and used them since I didn’t do an install from disc and everything is good but the thumbprint scanner and I didn’t install those drivers anyway. I gotFirefox, and Thunderbird working and pointed to my profile and haven’t had any issues with anything else installing thus far. I am thinking that this is pretty much a Vista OS with tweaks here and there. Oh,…. gadgets wont start up, that is the only thing I have noticed this far. Looking for a fix now…

Not seeing anyone with issues. Hmmmm… Guess I am stuck.

I am not sure how long the beta is going to last until they make me pay for it, but I am going t0 have fun with it until it is time to let go.

I have been feeling depressed the last few days. I don’t know what to do about work. I feel like my time here has come to an end but I don’t know if i can find anything that is going to pay as well as this place with my actual skills. I wish I had more to show myself. I am really thinking that Sharepoint is where it is at. I just need to get off my ass and learn it. I thought that management would put me through classes but that has not materialized. I have to do it on my own.

  
Mood : happydepressed
Music : http://jared.serveftp.net:9000
Tv : Marine 1
 Posted by at 12:18 am
Jan 242009
 

It has been so long. Way too long. I fucking suck.

It was a great day in history on Tuesday when Obama got sworn in. I wish the actual swearing in part didn’t get fucked up. Any reason for the republican party to delegitimize Obama will cause bullshit quarrels over non issues. Limbaugh has already said he wants Obama to fail. I don’t think he could fail as much as bush did no matter how hard he tried. Bush spent 34% of his time on vacation. I wish I could do that. Obama seems to be on a good track so far. We will see. It was amazing how many people showed up for it. 1.8 million and that is because they couldn’t handle any more on the lawn. Imagine how many people were outside or elsewhere.

I took the day off to watch the inaugural. It was great watching it on HD. After I went to Carol’s and then went out and celebrated with her and one of her friends. We drove around several places looking for someplace to eat and finally decided on Thai.

On Wed we went over to Carol’s Friends house and watched the top chef show and we ate at carrabas, which really sucked. Yesterday was just a lazy do nothing stay inside because it is too fucking cold day.

Today was a I shouldn’t have gone in to work because it fucking sucked and I am reminded why people fucking suck day. I told a sub I couldn’t get anyone out any sooner for them two months ago and they decided recently to complain about it. Well I got written up for it and they didn’t like the comments I put in the account either because they were too emotional or something so they made me remove them as well. Fucking shit. I get yelled at for doing my job, I am here to make decisions and I get fucked for making them. I have no support from management, none at all. Anytime I get something written about me that goes to office of president I get yelled at about it whether it was following policy or not and no one has my back in this fucking place. I am so fucking sick of it. It isn’t right. It isn’t right at all. I am here to do a job and it feels like dammed if I do or dammed if I don’t. If I would have tried to get someone out earlier for her I would have been yelled at for that as well. I don’t know what to do except try to not get people to complain about me, which is impossible to do since it is going to happen in the position that I am in. I fucking hate people. Fucking assholes.

My brain feels like it is going to explode because of this shit.

Oh and to top it off, I thought I met someone new. We had lunch last Friday? Were supposed to meet up at the garden on Tue for the inauguration, find out she had too much paperwork to do at work and couldn’t make it, and we were supposed to also go out on Thursday, on Wed she let me know that she had other plans she forgot about. I can understand. Well today I messaged her to see how she was doing and nothing. No reply. So now I don’t know what to think.

I am a fucking loser nobody I guess.

Oh and to top it off I let this domain expire, and had to pay another year and wait for it to complete the renewal. At least it expired today and no one grabbed it…

  
Mood : happydepressed
Music : Godflesh
Tv : How it's made
 Posted by at 12:25 am
Dec 222008
 

Last night (well actually when I got home this morning) I was channel flipping through the movie channels and on the HBOLW channel there was a movie on that was in progress called Cumbia Callera

. It was pretty good. Funny and the beginning seemed very voyeuristic and stalkerish. There is a guy in there who is an aspiring film maker and he brings his camcorder everywhere. He falls in love with this girl (I don’t know the circumstances of how they met, that was before I started watching the movie) and he ends up stalking her and video taping her as he follows her. There is a couple of times where she catches him and she runs and he runs after her. Totally stalker material. There is a point where he finally catches her and they are fighting and he pulls out her shoe that she lost from a previous running episode, and that is where they start laughing and start to build the friendship that leads to more. She also has an asshole boyfriend so she has to deal with that. He uses her for his music videos with Cumbia music playing and her dancing and shaking her booty. It was pretty good. Most if not all music was done by Celso Piña. Good stuff!

After that I caught Dan in Real Life. It was a sweet story about a man who meets a woman (The beautiful Juliette Binoche) in a bookstore and they talk over coffee and he falls in love with her and then when she has to go that is when she breaks the news that she is involved. Well the man then goes to his parent’s house to celebrate the holidays and that is where he meets his younger brother’s fiancé and it ends up being the woman he meets. So the rest of the movie is one of those meet the parents type of movies where he has to deal with his feelings for her and he goes through the seven stages of separation. It is funny and heartfelt and has Juliette Binoche looking beautiful for being 45 years old.

I ended up not falling asleep until after 9 am and waking up around noon. I tried to sleep more but couldn’t so I got up and watched some tv and made oatmeal and drank a big thing of coffee and got ready for work. Well after I got out of the shower I got a call from one of the other leads here and the overnight lead called in. So I went back to bed and tried to sleep, and of course I couldn’t and so here I am working overnight with little sleep. 6 am can not come here soon enough.

  
Mood : happytired
Music : Celso Piña
Tv : Throwdown with Bobby Flay
 Posted by at 1:06 am
Dec 202008
 

So this weekend was spent doing a big nothing again. That is the problem when you have no money and almost out of gas. I did my usual watching TV and movies. I did watch a really good movie called Batalla en el Cielo. It was set in Mexico City and it was about this security guard who is married and in love with his bosses daughter who is rich but is bored so she decides to be a prostitute just for the thrill of it. He tells her of a kidnapping that he and his wife did that ended with the death of the baby and it is about the consequences they all face from him telling her that. It is sad and tragic and the director likes to show minute mundane details of life that may or may not have anything to do with the story but yet draws you into the characters.

I also saw Screamers. It was pretty good because it stared System Of a Down and was a documentary about genocides, especially the one that happened in Armenia. All of the band members had family members who were affected and killed by the genocide. The Turkish government denies it ever happening and teaches their citizens that it never happened. A lot of major nations have recognized the genocide except Brittan and the US. They said that one of the main reasons why the US won’t recognize it is because of the air force base we have in Turkey and it’s key strategy point into invading Russia if we need to. There was a scene where Serj went to congress to talk to his congressman and he totally blew him off. It was bullshit. The movie had a lot of SOAD music laced throughout including live performances, and interviews with the members and how the genocide affected their family.

I also watched Get Smart which was a fun movie. Steve Carell was pretty funny in it. It was a pretty typical action / comedy / secret agent type of movie. Also I tried to watch King’s Ransom but shut it off after 5 minutes and I usually never do that. The acting was so bad I couldn’t even handle it as background noise as I did dishes.

Today I had my end of the year review and it was really good. I scored really good on it and got a 4.5% raise which is really good since the most this company will give is 5%. So that is another ~$40 a check take home. Just enough to keep up with the cost of living as usual. I am glad I got a raise, but it just doesn’t seem like it is that much. Another ~$2000 a year including shift diff. Well, at least I get free cable and all the other benefits out of it. Another thing that annoys me is they don’t pay shift diff on vacation time. It sucks that it costs money to go on vacation. My check was a lot less than it should have been because I lost ~$100 in shift diff. I could have used that to help pay my cell bill.

Ok, that is all I have for now. Suck it!

  
Mood : happyhappy
Music : Jay Begaye - Mother's honor
Tv : Science Channel
 Posted by at 1:17 am
Nov 232008
 

I am sure that all of you have seen the wonderful turkey pardoning and then murdering oh it is ok interview that Sarah Palin the wonderful wanna be republican leader. Well I have been thinking about it. I think that she totally set up the entire thing and knew the news media would be talking about it for a couple of cycles. I think that she deep down is an attention seeker and has found another way to do it. You have to remember that this is someone who was a beauty pageant second placer, and then a sports caster for a while. I don’t think that those worked out for her so her next step was politics and has been slowly working up her way into the ladder. She has been seeking this vice president gig for a year or so now and now that she has lost she is still seeking out that attention she so desperately needs. I saw it with my step brother. He craved attention good or bad. He went so far as to try to start a grocery store on fire and limping into a fast food restaurant saying he was hit by a car only to leave before the paramedics and cops showed up.

The most disturbing part about the video is the fact that they are murdering these turkeys right in front of other live turkeys. I think it is torture. Imagine being in a cage with hundreds of other people and watching your fellow beings being beheaded and bleed out. Now you have to understand that even though I am vegan I am not squeamish. I was a chef for 11 years and part of my training was going to a lamb and cow slaughterhouse, so I have seen it all, and I know how animals are murdered for food.

I am feeling a little bit better emotionally. I am still a bit down. Still worried about money. Still frustrated over asshole customers. People demanding things that we just can’t do and then threatening to go to my supervisors supervisor because I can’t meet their asshole demands. So frustrating. So very frustrating.

  
Mood : happygrumpy
Music : Weird Al videos on youtube
 Posted by at 12:23 am