I haven’t felt much like writing lately even though I should. There has been a lot on my mind and shit has been happening and I have been really depressed and worried all at the same time. I have been pissed at my cell company first of all because they decided to do a second check for the payment even though I told them I would be paying cash at a tmobile store several times. The account representative didn’t tell me that a second check will be processed at any time. So now my savings account hates me and sent me a nasty letter today because it didn’t clear. It is one thing to have my phone company hate me, but I don’t need to get into my bank hating me and charging me money I don’t have. It isn’t going to be long until my phone goes away, and I don’t really need it to right about now either.
I hope I will be able to pay my car payments. It is another $150 a month (or at least that is what I am going to pay to try to get it done early).
I don’t like what has been happening at work lately. I feel like they are trying to get rid of me. I don’t feel like there is any support system or opportunity to grow at all there any more. I haven’t felt that they want me to grow within the company for a long time now, but the feeling has been stronger than ever lately. There was an incident lately where I called one of the transgender he instead of she accidentally (and this one I didn’t even know) and she went to someone to ask what to do about it, and it blew up and I was in the directors office and given the riot act and basically told that it isn’t over and going to get to the bottom of this blah blah, so that really has me in a panic now. I am feeling like that this is it. That was the last straw for them. I don’t even remember calling her a he and it was purely accidental if that was the case and now I am fucked because of it. Oh and on top of it I thought the director was talking about the other one, and I didn’t figure that out until after the meeting. And the one she was talking about I didn’t even realize was one. I am not good with names and I don’t think I have even seen the one she was talking about and if I did I didn’t even know was one. So I was sitting in the office like a fuck talking about the conversations I had with the one I knew was one and so when the director gets done with her investigations I am going to look like a fuck and get fired for sure.
The big thing is that this that I am for equal rights for all and my family has basically disowned me for things I said about the Mormon Church with their anti equal rights bullshit in Ca. This thing is hurting and cutting me deep that I said something that offended her enough to be in the director’s office. I might get fired for this. It is bullshit.
So I am in the process of updating my resume, got myself back up on Monster and Dice and started looking to see what is out there so I am ready to do this. I saw some things that look promising. The problem is that everyone and their mother is looking right now so who knows how long I will be unemployed if at all. I am almost at the point now of just looking for a job and getting something different. This job doesn’t inspire me anymore. I don’t wake up and look forward to going to work anymore. The bullshit is getting to me, making me depressed and stressed and giving me massive headaches. It is time for me to leave I think. It is pretty sad to think about that prospect. I used to love it here. I didn’t see me going anywhere else. I saw me moving up or out within the company.
I feel the stress. I am physically ill. I feel my reflux kicking in, and my body aches. Fuck this shit.
I’m down again
And I don’t know how to tell you
But maybe this time I can’t come back
Because I might be too far down
I wish for real
That I could turn it on and off
Like hot and cold and up and down
Because I’m down again
I’m too far down
I couldn’t begin to smile
Because I can’t even laugh or cry
Because I just can’t do it
If it was so easy to be happy
Why am I so down?
All I can do is sit and wonder if it’s going to end
Or if I should just go away forever
When I sit and think
I wish that I just could die
Or let someone else be happy
By setting my own self free
And you don’t want the emotion
Because the taste it leaves is for real
But nothing’s ever real until it’s gone
And I might be too far down
And is this just another thrown away
Or is this the end of the whole stupid road
But you wouldn’t want to know how I feel anyway
Because the darkest hole is at the end of the road
I’m down again
And I guess I’m not the only one who dreams
That there’s not any way to tell you
Because I might be too far down